AUDI: Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.

BMW: Big Man Wannabe

BUICK: Big, Ugly, Import Car Killer

CHEVROLET: Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

DODGE: Drips Oil, Drips Gas Everywhere

FIAT: Fix It Again, Tony

FORD: Fix Or Repair Daily (or Found On Road Dead)

GEO: Good Engineering Overlooked

GMC: Garage Mechanic's Companion

JEEP: Junk Engineered, Executed Poorly

MAZDA: My! Another Zany Detroit Assassin!

OLDSMOBILE: Old Ladies Drive Slow-Mostly Over Bridges Into Lake Erie

PLYMOUTH: Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, all Underestimating This Heap

PONTIAC: Poor Old Nick Thinks It's A Cadillac

PORSCHE: Proof Only Rich Suckers Can Have Everything

SAAB: Sad Attempt At Beauty

SUBARU: Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

TRIUMPH: The Risk In Useless Machinery Pays Heavily

TOYOTA: Towed Often, Yearly Overrunning Triple-A